You came so unexpectedly. You freaked me out, exhausted me and made me confused. You forced me to look for answers, but for a long time I looked in all the wrong places. Endless doctors, naturopaths, homeopaths, people without a clue as to what was going on. You hid like a rat, slowly gnawing away at me until it was almost too late.
Touching was uncomfortable, walking exhausting, weight fell off me and still I refused to face you. Then the finality of it all. I am diabetic. I need insulin. Without it a death sentence.
I did what I was told. But I cried and cried. I cried every day for a week until I took that first shot. The lady who helped me telling me, “This isn’t your fault.” Even though I still felt like it was. I found it hard to love my body, to accept you, to welcome you. Even if everyone told me I could live a normal life.
You made me restrict food, you upset my stomach, I lived a rigid life because of you. Every time I wanted to open up, you asked me to shut down. Fear fear fear. Fear of lows. Fear of highs. Fear of complications. Fear of life.
I tried to meet you. To accept you, to master you. Every day trying to get it right. And for many years by boxing myself in I succeeded. Everyone saw my struggle, no one able to help. Me feeling my education was incomplete. Did I mourn my old life? I didn’t even have time.
Now things are different, 13 years is a long time to hold on. No longer a fight I have softened and am willing to learn from you. Maybe this isn’t about my ideas about how to master you. But yours. What can you share. What can you show me?
Days of trust, quiet listening, taking risks, doing it scared, bringing in solutions out of the box. Rather than relying on external forces I take you into my heart and whisper.
Diabetes what do you need?
You whisper back, “Care, love, acceptance, trust, rest, whole nurturing food. Movement wild and free. There is nothing I don’t need. I need you to be you in spite of me.”
I wrote this as part of a behavioural challenge on the Diabetes Psychologist Membership program
With great respect,
Rachel
