“We must remove the taboo around putting parents in old-age homes” – doctor-novelist Amrinder Bajaj – eShe

A brutally honest narrative about dysfunctional marriages and the Indian medical system, Dr Amrinder Bajaj’s latest book Letting Go (Bloomsbury India, INR 499) is inspired by true events from her own life. The novel explores the lives of the narrator and her husband MS who endure 40 years in a functional but deeply unhappy marriage. Despite both of them being practising doctors, she and her family face the harrowing realities of Delhi’s medical industry when MS is diagnosed with cancer.

His illness reshapes their marriage and disrupts the family’s finances and relationships. Written with unflinching vulnerability and a feisty, feminist spirit, Letting Go offers a profoundly moving and relatable story of marriage, relationships, and resilience in the face of adversity.

Dr Amrinder Bajaj is a Delhi-based gynaecologist with several books to her credit, including a memoir based on her association with Khushwant Singh and two books on women’s health. eShe asked the author about her motivation to write this book and her views on Indian marriages, parent-child relationships and the challenges that no one prepares women for.

eShe: What motivated you to write an autobiographical novel?

Dr Amrinder Bajaj: When my husband was diagnosed with advanced cancer, the emotional upheaval was intolerable. In order to maintain my sanity and manage the practicalities of cancer care, I took to unburdening my heart on to the uncomplaining pages of my diary.

After my husband passed on, I realised that many others are affected by cancer in one way or the other – be it a relative, friend, neighbour, colleague or they themselves. By sharing my experience as the caregiver of a cancer patient and as a doctor who has to break the ominous news to her patients, I wanted people to know that they are not alone in this journey. This gave birth to this autobiographical novel.

How easy or difficult was the process for you compared with your other books on wellness and your memoir on Khushwant Singh?

My Khushwant Singh memoirs were a riot – full of fun and raunchy jokes, with insights into the personal life of this (in)famous personality and a not-so-famous one – mine. In fact, he taught me to be brutally honest. I took his lesson to heart.

The tagline of the book on menopause was: Menopause is the end of menstruation, not the end of the world. It was medical knowledge imparted in a story form with amusing anecdotes thrown in. The idea was to infuse confidence and a sense of self-worth in women.

On the other hand, writing about observing and caring for a person with advanced cancer – one who is making a difficult descent into the valley of death – was a painful experience. As Siddhartha Mukherjee wrote in his 2010 book The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer, “dying, even more than death, defines the illness.” It was as if I was reliving those terrible times all over again.

One of the most successful authors writing in the genre of autobiographical novels is Karl Ove Knausgard. Yet, he faced backlash in his personal life from his loved ones who felt their privacy had been violated. Did you face that conflict or ethical dilemma in the writing of this book?

Maya Angelou is also a memoirist. Khushwant Singh once told me that changing names and so on does not help; people find out and are hurt or angry. I have written 10 books till now, out of which only three are autobiographical. Most of my family members are not into reading. Usually, I feel bad about this, but when books like this one come out, I am thankful for their lack of interest!

Why do I write private things about my near and dear ones, especially when I do love them, especially when I know that ‘my truth’ may not be the way they perceive it? Frankly I don’t know. My only excuse is that I don’t spare even myself. It is as if I am a woman in labour who has to expel the contents of her (mental) womb or die in the process.

All I say is that people should interact with writers at their own risk.

The book brings out some really hard facts about marriage, especially in the urban Indian context. It also puts the spotlight on issues that affect older people. What do you hope readers will take away from the book?

The books is for people of all kinds – young or old, male or female, for cancer is an omnipresent evil. No matter what kind of relationship one had with the affected person in the past, one should forgive and forget past transgressions and spend whatever time is left with loved ones with compassion and care. After the struggle is over and the sufferer long dead and gone, I want the survivors to imbibe resilience and hope from this book. I would like them to know that there is a life after the worst calamity and on no account should one buckle under.

Regarding issues affecting the older generation, I think a healthy lifestyle (they should read Ikigai and live by it, as I try to do), financial independence, a social circle, and old people’s homes with better facilities will decrease their dependency on and expectations from their offspring. This itself will herald the end of most of their problems.

Of course, caring, loving offspring are a God-sent bonus and one cannot be thankful enough for them.

Do you think women get a raw deal in marriage even if they are empowered, educated and financially independent?

At least those in my generation did. A gynaecologist, for instance, would usually earn more than her husband. Though her income is welcome, her partner cannot take this blow to his pride and reacts by showing his dominance in ways that may not always be subtle. Instead of sharing responsibilities, he makes her feel guilty if their teenagers go haywire.

Some men blow up their wives’ hard-earned money to indulge in their love for gambling, alcohol or extramarital relationships. Some take to violence and the ‘educated financially independent, empowered woman’ takes it without a whimper and continues in a toxic marriage – for the sake of their children or to keep up appearances.

The lives of so-called successful women are often a mess though people envy their luck. Why, even the household help fares no better. She often asks her employer to keep some of her earnings in safe custody lest her drug-addict husband snatch it all from her.

Have power equations in Indian marriages changed after modern-day feminist movements, or are they just different expressions of the same patriarchal structures that were in place centuries ago?

Thankfully, it has changed in some ways. Men are now hands-on parents. The upper middle-class husbands, at least, accompany their wives for antenatal classes and are even present during birth in high-end hospitals. A generation earlier a husband brought his pregnant wife to me and said, “I have done my job, now you do yours.” And thereafter it was always the mother-in-law who accompanied the pregnant woman for her antenatal visits.

Childcare is still the mother’s domain, though some husbands do help with housework. My son is a renowned chef. His wife has no worries when the cook does not turn up, for she knows that he will rustle up a nutritious meal in no time.

Despite these facts, it is still a patriarchal society by and large.

Social norms are changing and so are parent-child equations and expectations. Do you think things are getting better or worse in terms of the relationships between adult children and their parents in old age?

Previous generations would keep reminding their children that they owe their very lives to them and, for that, the offspring should remain eternally grateful. One was made to express one’s gratitude in various ways, like getting married to the person one’s parents chose, carrying on the family business even though one was passionate about something else – in short, sacrifice one’s life to repay one’s parents.

Nowadays the reverse is true: it is all about the children – their career, which might mean going abroad and leaving ageing, ailing parents behind; marrying a person of their choice; or climbing up the corporate ladder, leaving them with no time for their elders.

The world in general has become more self-oriented. It is imperative that the older generation remain financially independent till the very end. Nuclear families have replaced joint families that would cocoon the aged, which is another setback. So, I would say that the equation between parents and offspring has changed for the worse as far as parents are concerned.

Going by the number of senior citizens being murdered by house help, living alone is also not an option. I, for one, believe that we must lift the taboo around putting parents in old people’s homes. In fact, more and more such facilities with better infrastructure should come up, where the elderly feel secure, can mingle with people of their own age, engage in group activities to alleviate loneliness (a growing epidemic), and get hot meals and medical aid whenever needed.