How to Let Go of Your Ego & Improve Your Relationships

Ego has a role in spoiling many relationships, and not just romantic ones. Ego can ruin friendships and put a wedge between family members, too. Whether you’re having issues managing your own ego or dealing with the unchecked ego of a loved one, it’s important to understand what the ego is and the negative effects it can have on relationships.

“Your ego can certainly get in the way and even ruin a healthy relationship if you tend to make everything about you, don’t consider others’ feelings (which is lacking empathy essentially), and disregard others’ thoughts and opinions as inferior to yours,” Moriah Holland, LPC, a licensed professional counselor and founder of MPowered Counseling Services, tells SheKnows. Meanwhile, being in a relationship with an egotistical person can be “draining,” Holland says, and make you feel “neglected, invisible, devalued, and unimportant.”

We talked to the experts about how to identify the ego and the issues it can cause — and, most importantly, how to heal and move forward in a relationship damaged by them.

Ego vs. self-esteem

Being egotistical is generally considered negative, while having high levels of self-esteem is positive. So, what’s the difference? An egotistical person’s self-worth is driven by external factors, primarily feedback from others. A person with high self-esteem’s sense of self-worth is determined by internal factors such as passion, belief or personal vision.

“With ego, it is very focused on being right, being admired and in control,” explains Arkadiy Volkov, RP, psychotherapist and clinical director at Feel Your Way Therapy. “It pushes us to defend ourselves and we can hurt our partner in the process.” In other words, people with big egos are often insecure and trying to cover up those insecurities by pretending to be important or better than everyone else.

Self-esteem, on the other hand, is “steadier and more stable,” Volkov tells SheKnows. “We know our worth and feel safe in that. We don’t have to prove ourselves.”

We all have an ego. However, we must learn how to control it. If you let your ego go unchecked, it can cause tremendous turmoil in your life, particularly with your partner or spouse. Negative feelings, such as anger, resentment, fear and jealousy are all products of the ego.

What does the ego do to relationships?

Ego can manifest in many ways in relationships, most of them pretty damaging.

Avoiding deeper connection

“In relationships, ego can be a defense against attachment,” Volkov says. The idea is that not being good enough and being abandoned is terrifying to us, and when those fears are triggered, we look for a way to protect ourselves. “Ego serves that purpose,” he explains.

In protecting yourself and hiding your hurt from the other person, you’re also You want to protect yourself and not let the other person see you are hurt. However, by doing that, you’re also not allowing yourself to get vulnerable with your partner.

The criticism-defensiveness cycle

“Those who are egotistical are more likely to take feedback as critical and view it as an attack on their character or a moral flaw within themselves,” says Zoe Spears, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Connected Therapy of California. That can lead them to react defensively, deflect the issue, or simply shut down.

Spears says she frequently sees this pattern with the couples she works with. “One partner brings up an issue and the automatic response of the other partner is to jump to the defensive, which then prevents the couple from being able to problem-solve or talk through the issue,” she explains. That can lead to “built-up resentment, increased conflict and ‘gridlock’ where the couple gets stuck in a perpetual criticism-defensiveness cycle without reaching resolution or avoiding conflict entirely and becoming emotionally distant,” Spears explains.

One-sided relationships

A healthy relationship should be balanced, Holland says, but a relationship dominated by one person’s ego is anything but. “It certainly isn’t healthy for a relationship to only be one-sided, where only the one person gets all of the attention, care, love, admiration, etc. all of the time, and never the other,” she explains. “Healthy relationships are balanced, where each person believes the other is as important, loved, and cared for as the other.”

Hanging on

Oftentimes a person will remain in a bad relationship because their ego won’t allow them to accept that their judgment of their partner’s character was wrong. This is common when a person is being cheated on or mistreated. The ego is bruised and we can’t accept that we are less attractive or less desirable than the other person, or that we’re the kind of person who would accept such treatment. It can’t be true that we invested years into a relationship that isn’t working out. Our ego won’t allow us to accept it. So, we hang on to the relationship to prove that we are worthy to be in it. In order to move on, a person needs to let go of their ego and free themselves from an unhealthy relationship.

Jealous thoughts

When your partner is out without you, does your mind go wild with thoughts about what they’re doing? Jealousy and ego can be very destructive. If you obsess on those thoughts running through your mind, by the time they come home, you can convince yourself that they’re cheating on you. Of course, an argument will ensue and your partner will be frustrated about the accusations. If the pattern repeats, they’ll become resentful and eventually want out of the relationship, all because of a fictitious story that you allowed your ego to create in your head.

Being right

For the egotist, being right all the time is closely associated with feeling worthy. Therefore, those who can’t let go of their egos do and say anything they can to always be right. Unfortunately, this happens at the expense of, well, everything else.

“When ego takes over, we stop listening,” says Chloë Bean, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based somatic trauma therapist. “Ego fuels a power struggle and nervous system then shifts into protection mode rather than connection mode.” From there, the desire to always be right can ruin relationships with co-workers, bosses, siblings, relatives, and spouses.

Managing and moving past the ego

So the question is, how do you get control over an ego that’s running rampant—or help a loved one do the same? It starts with noticing the ways your (or your partner’s) ego shows up. “Be aware and notice and reflect: Am I trying to protect my pride or the relationship and my partner?” Volkov says. “If protecting your pride and trying to win, you can shift your attention from wanting to land on top to ask what your partner is feeling instead. That’s how we can connect to ourselves and others.”

At the same time, it’s important to approach the ego with understanding. “The ego is a defensive response and is a learned behavior from past experiences, so it is important to have compassion for this part and understand what is triggering the ego response,” Spears says. That could mean excavating deeper fears or criticisms that date back to past relationships or even one’s childhood. Once you can meet the ego with compassion, you’ll notice less defensiveness and more ability to listen.

To do that, start by pausing, grounding yourself, and breathing, says Bean. “When you regulate internally and with your partner, you can move from defensiveness to curiosity,” she explains. Once you’ve noticed the ego and approached it gently, try to “name the need underneath the ego reaction,” she says. That might mean saying something vulnerable, like: I want to feel heard, or I feel unappreciated or afraid of losing you. That vulnerability, she says, “creates intimacy instead of distance.”

What it comes down to, Holland says, is continuous communication. If your partner’s ego is damaging your relationship, for example, it’s crucial to communicate how you feel. Do this with “I statements,” she says, like “I feel neglected when you don’t ask me about my day or how I’m doing.” If you’re attempting communication and not feeling heard, or have fears about your partner’s response or reaction, Holland recommends talking to a trusted person like a friend, family member, or therapist. They can “offer you feedback and/or tools to manage and address your own emotions (and I’d imagine frustrations) regarding your relationship,” she says.

The truth is, we all have an ego that affects us and those around us in different ways. It’s about noticing those effects and managing the issues that come up as a result to ensure your relationships stay healthy and fulfilling.

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