By Nidhi Chopra
Given the huge buzz around the new web series Adolescence, I couldn’t help thinking of adolescents (including my own daughters) while listening to an interesting podcast the other day. The guest was discussing how smartphones have lowered our attention spans and rewired our brains to respond differently to stressors and stimuli in our environment.
From an adolescent’s perspective, this means that native smartphone users with constant exposure to 30-second reels and social media will have to deal with the consequences of a reduced attention span. And surely, it must have a causal effect on their ability to engage in tasks that require patience, discipline and perseverance.
A 2021-22 study of urban adolescents and youth in India explored their perceptions of stress and their coping mechanisms. Academic pressure was one of the primary stressors, not only triggered by family and teachers but also by the adolescents themselves and a nagging fear of failure. And the poor attention span is not helping!
In my work as a psychotherapist with older adolescents, I observe a constant pressure to perform and achieve in nearly every competitive area of their lives. This pressure is amplified by high competition and the rapidly changing landscape of the job market. With the rise of AI and its potential impact on traditional careers, the anxieties and stressors faced by adolescents and youth have become even more pronounced.
We also find that the expression of stress is through anger for young adults and older adolescents, while the younger ones seemed to express a persistent sense of worry, stemming from a potential sense of failure or pressure to live up to expectations.
Nearly all of the study participants recognised that stress was detrimental and felt the need to relieve it almost immediately. One strategy that provided immediate relief from stress was ‘distancing’ from the stressful situation. These responses seemed to be instinctive and were often methods the participants had discovered on their own.
‘Distancing’ can take various forms – physically stepping away, being alone, or leaving the area; or emotionally, by quieting oneself and disengaging from the source of stress.
But I would argue that while distancing may provide initial relief, lasting change can only come from a shift in perspective, followed by consistent action and behaviour. As a therapist, one thing I’ve noticed about the happiest, most fulfilled people is their incredible ability to pick themselves up after failure, dust themselves off and keep moving forward.
Children need healthier coping strategies – ones that not only offer relief but also help them develop lasting skills to manage stress and handle disappointment and failure in future.
We as adults need to adjust our approach to better align with their fast-paced online and offline worlds, along with the constant flow of information they’re bombarded with. We have to teach them to navigate stressors in ways that become ingrained habits, supporting them in adulthood.
From my experience as both a parent and a therapist, I’ve learned a few valuable lessons that I hope will assist other parents and caregivers facing similar challenges. These tips will help young people become not only more adaptable but also develop a healthier relationship with failure – viewing it not as something to be feared, but as a necessary part of the learning process and the experience of living itself.
Give their anxiety a space to live and exist.
Here’s a scenario many of us might be guilty of enacting in our households. When we notice our teenager feeling stressed or anxious about a test, an upcoming match, a potential leadership position, or maybe a college admission, our immediate reaction might be to dismiss their feelings.
We may respond with phrases like, “Why are you stressed?” or the classic, “You’ll know real stress once you reach our age!” Statements like “You’re young. Relax and enjoy! Don’t overthink it!” can make them feel their stressors or emotions are unimportant and unworthy of attention or discussion.
We may have wanted to de-escalate our child’s stress and anxiety with these words, but the actual effect is often the opposite. Instead of calming them down, it tends to shut them up and cause them to withdraw. It makes them feel that adults are the last people they should talk to because “they don’t understand”.
We must encourage open conversations with the young about their stress, rather than brushing it off or minimising it. It’s important to let them know that their feelings are valid. First, it allows them the space to talk about what they are feeling without shame or guilt. This in itself has profound therapeutic consequences. Second, it gives young people a space to identify their emotions more clearly.
Try questions like, “Can you tell me more about what you are feeling?” or “What emotions are you feeling right now?” Often, the stress is related to setting unrealistic expectations of themselves or experiencing a general feeling of anger, disappointment or fear of losing face within their peer groups.
Such questions encourage them to identify their feelings more accurately and to understand the ‘why’ of it. This empowers them and gives them a sense of clarity and greater control over how they can handle these emotions. It also allows them to practise regulating their emotions without having to depend on external help and involvement.
Give them time. Let’s not rush to reassure them.
When adolescents experience failure or disappointment in their lives, providing reassurances with phrases like, “Don’t worry, it will be better next time,” “Try harder next time,” or “Everything will be okay” tends to backfire in a frustrated, angry outburst within these age groups.
I remember how much I disliked hearing those things when I was younger! They made me feel like I hadn’t tried hard enough in the first place or that the adults around me were lying about how things would get better.
The truth is, they weren’t lying – things do get better. But being told that without the accompanying experience can make it seem like an empty reassurance.
Instead, encourage them to develop a habit of self-reflection – a practice of looking inward. This skill helps adolescents think critically about what went wrong and how they can approach things differently next time. It gears them up to take control more effectively than any words of reassurance we could offer.
Once they have a chance to cool down, asking questions like, “What do you think happened?”, “Do you want to talk about it?” or “Do you have any insights into what could’ve been done differently?” will shift their focus to something actionable they can do next time.
Bonus! They refrain from blaming others or their circumstances (provided these were not extraordinary) for the outcome.
Step back and explore the broader picture with them.
Life is hard, and young people need to understand that struggle is naturally necessary for any worthwhile journey. It’s not just the destination (or particular achievement) that matters but also the hard work they’ve put into it.
Internalising this view is especially important for this age group that is constantly bombarded with instant gratification through 30-second reels or shorts!
If, as parents and role models, we can help our children see the value in the process and the lessons learned along the way, they can appreciate not only their achievements but also their failures. They end up appreciating the effort and growth that come with all life experiences.
The best way is by modelling our behaviour. Or sharing stories of ourselves or others. One personal example of this is my inability to walk quickly. On most occasions, my slower pace is either ridiculed or met with frustrated sighs from my ‘know-it-all’ teenagers. I’m often asked, “Why do you walk so slowly, Ma? It’s not like you’re unfit!”
In response, I deliberately slow down even more and say, “I like to experience the walk,” or, “It gives me time to watch people!” Sometimes, I’ll go, “Yummy!! Can you smell the fresh bread from around the corner?”
Through these small tweaks in our behaviour, what we’re doing is modelling the idea that our journey is not only about rushing from point A to point B but also about savouring the moments in between to enjoy the process, to notice the little things and inculcate the practice of living in the here and now.
The idea is for our lovely young people to become not only more adaptable but also to develop a healthy relationship with failure. By applying ourselves to such bite-sized tweaks, they will internalise that handling difficulties with resilience, learning from mistakes, and persisting through adversity are behaviours they can apply themselves. We can help them normalise struggles.
Failure doesn’t mean we are not good enough; it simply means we have to get up, dust ourselves off and start walking again as we think about how to do it right the next time.
The writer runs a private psychotherapeutic practice in Singapore called Heal Counselling & Therapy. You can reach her on LinkedIn.
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