It was in a coffee shop after consuming a giant banana muffin that I made the first big decision of my adult life. Picking up the coin operated payphone wasn’t easy, but I had to do it. It was time to call it quits on college. “Are you sure?” My father asked. I had no doubt; it felt good to be an adult and make my own decisions.
The decision to irrevocably change my life was easy. In fact, every major life decision after that just fell into place. Now, it’s the micro decision making thrust upon me since my diabetes diagnosis that drives me crazy.
I mean seriously? 180 decisions a day?
Like waking up with an unusual low on Thursday, what to do? Did I take too much long acting last night? If that’s the case, how much long acting should I take for my morning dose? Was it a fluke? And how much sugar do I need to correct the low? And what about the Dawn Phenomenon that’s going to kick in? And when I rebound high and it’s time for breakfast, how much do I need to correct? ½ unit or a whole unit? OMG just one tiny unexpected event means every decision after that is like walking on a knife edge.
I’m seriously pep talking myself through every decision right now.
Why was it easy to quit my job and move to another country, but impossible to decide how much insulin to take for a sweet potato, corn fritter?
In the past when I had to make big decisions in life, especially hard ones I’d imagine myself in the future after I’d made the decision. How would I feel, what would my life look like?
Trying to apply that to a correction for a high or a low doesn’t cut it. Diabetes decisions are a combination of logic and guesswork. Who cares how I’m going to feel.
And the worst part? No one can make the decision for me. I’m the one guestimating the amount, dialling up the dose, and trying my best. Like my dietician recently said. In the end you just have to give it your best shot.
So, the last three roller coaster days that’s what I have been doing. Trying not to let the decision making get to me. Literally sucking it up, making the decision and letting go. So far, it’s not as much of a train smash as I thought it would be. Phew!
with great respect…
Rachel
