Here’s How to Gossip in a Healthy Way

You see it on social media, at the office, and even on season three of “The White Lotus,” in which childhood friends Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan), Kate (Leslie Bibb), and Laurie (Carrie Coon) never miss a chance to talk behind each other’s back while on their midlife girls trip to Thailand.

Gossip, often defined in scientific literature as “the exchange of personal information about absent third parties,” is ubiquitous in daily life and society—and is usually viewed negatively.

But can gabbing about other people ever be a good thing? Experts say yes—but only in certain circumstances.

Read on to learn when gossip can be beneficial, when it veers into the unhealthy, and how to spill the tea in a “good” way.

Gossip has been part of human society at least since Mesopotamia, when people gossiped in cities and markets. Long before “The White Lotus,” characters in ancient Greek literary works like “The Odyssey” and “Aesop’s Fables” dished behind each other’s backs.

“Gossip has existed as long as language has existed, and some researchers believe that our need to keep up with what other people are doing is one of the main drivers of the evolution of language,” Frank McAndrew, PhD, a psychology professor at Knox College, told Health.

One 2024 scientific paper even suggested that gossipers have an evolutionary advantage because they spread helpful information, causing others to behave less selfishly and cooperate with the gossiper to improve their reputations.

While modern advancements make gossiping easier, our reasons for doing it haven’t evolved much, explained McAndrew. “We have more tools in the 21st century, like social media, that we can use for gossip, but we still have caveman brains that are interested in the very same information about others that fascinated our ancestors,” he said.

If asked, many people will tell you they don’t gossip, but the practice is universal in human societies regardless of age or gender—in other words, we all do it. While studies have suggested people spend an average of about one hour a day talking about others, McAndrew said it’s probably more.

“Part of the problem is that people often define gossip as something that other people do,” McAndrew said. “If they themselves are talking about someone, they think of it as ‘expressing concern’ or ‘sharing essential information.’ They do not think of it as gossip.”

But there may not always be a reason to avoid using the term. A 2021 study found that gossip has a variety of social functions, like helping us learn about each other so we can form social bonds with people we have things in common with.

Positive gossip, such as spreading good news or compliments about someone, can help people connect, support, and learn from each other, Frank J. Sileo, PhD, a licensed psychologist and author, told Health. 

A key feature of positive gossip is that it serves the good of the group rather than just the gossiper’s goals. For example, talking about a co-worker’s dishonesty or whether children are safe around someone—though disparaging toward that individual—may have widespread benefit, McAndrew said. 

On the other hand, negative gossip, such as spreading rumors, false accusations, or talking about someone in a detrimental way, can harm our own and others’ well-being, Sileo said.  

Negative gossip “is the most common and most hurtful kind of gossip,” Sileo said. “It is often malicious in nature. This kind of gossip can hurt someone’s feelings, damage their reputation.”

“The White Lotus” characters partake in negative gossip masked as concern, Sileo said. “It seems the women are caring for each other, but some of the comments are cruel and have a judgmental side,” he explained.

Negative or relentless gossiping creates a toxic environment and can even lead to depression, McAndrew said. A 2022 study found that negative gossip in the workplace may increase strain and the psychological distress of employees.

While gossip used to take place only through face-to-face interactions, Sileo said being in the digital age means we gossip much more than our ancestors.

“The advent of the internet, phones and texting, and social media allowed gossip to spread faster and more anonymously than before,” he said. “Reputations can be ruined in an instant.”

So, how do you know if you’re a “bad” gossiper? Signs include not being able to keep sensitive information to yourself or using gossip to help yourself get ahead by damaging others, McAndrew said.

On the other hand, “good” gossipers don’t repeat rumors and steer clear of malicious talk, Sileo said. “When the goal is to build someone up instead of breaking them down, gossip can be healthy,” he said. “Focus on spreading praise, compliments, and truthful, happy news.”

McAndrew advised concentrating on gossiping in a beneficial way rather than futilely trying to avoid talking about others with family, friends, and colleagues.

“We cannot help ourselves; gossip is an inherent part of who we are,” McAndrew said. “Most gossip is benign and a way of bonding us to other people.”

“If the only person you talk about is yourself, you are doomed to be thought of as an incredible bore to be avoided at all costs,” he added.